Ben’s story

In my circle of friends and acquaintances, I knew four women who lost a total of five children in the second trimester. I knew of at least two others who are friends of friends. I knew many more who miscarried in the first trimester and at least three (one of whom was my grandmother) who had their baby die within hours or days of being born. Since Ben died I have met or heard from dozens more. Miscarriage, 2nd and 3rd trimester pregnancy loss and infant death are devastatingly more common than anyone knows.

I have been pregnant four times. I have one beautiful daughter. My son, Benjamin, was stillborn at 23 weeks gestation on July 29, 2010 during emergency surgery to save my life. My first and third pregnancies were both first trimester miscarriages.

I remember hearing the stories of loss and feeling fear, hoping it would never be me. It is me. This is now my life, my reality. Here it is, here I am, learning how to live life after Benjamin.

7 Responses to Ben’s story

  1. Dear Alana, tears are pouring down my face — have been since I received my e-mail notice of you putting the Whole Self Coach blog on hold and opening the Life After Benjamin blog.

    I am SO glad that I decided recently signed up for e-mail notification of your posts (because lately I have not been able to keep up with reading the blogs I love without being notified of their posts). And I am also so, so sad to hear that Benjamin was stillborn.

    My heart resonates with so much that you’ve written here (20 years ago I had an emergency surgery to save my life and the life of my sons when my uterus ruptured – which also ended in grief) – and though I ache (viscerally) for you as I read your words, I am also incredibly heartened (for you and for all of us who will be blessed by your writing) by your willingness to share your journey — your wisdom in knowing that writing “will help save my life as surely as the doctor’s scalpel did.”

    Dear, dear Alana – I am holding you and your beautiful family in the Light — now and through the September that you are worried about – my wish is that you and your loved one are given awareness, throughout the coming days and months – of the love that surrounds you — and the people willing to sit with you in the dark and the light.

    Sending love,
    Karen

  2. Dear Alana:

    I don’t think there’s an answer to satisfy our mental curiosity, but there is always love to be found from everything that happens, so perhaps it is the love that has come into your life because this occurred that is the answer to your why.

    Warm regards,
    Betsy

  3. Reija Eden says:

    I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. We had a miscarriage at 17 weeks between our 1st and 2nd child. There are no words to describe it and there are no words I can give you to help you make it better. All I can say that there is hope. We had 2 other children after the loss of our baby girl. I was scared both pregnancies but we made it and feel grateful. Wishing you and your family all the best and strength to go on.

  4. Tanaya says:

    Sorry to hear about the loss…..But the ways of the good God are always strange!!!
    When life goes as per our wish, we are lucky. But it does not..WE ARE LUCKIER…as it is going as per GOD’s wish…
    Will keep visiting yr blog

  5. Barbara says:

    You know, a lost baby is always just that to you–a loss. Lost potential, lost hopes and dreams, the loss of little chubby hands clutching at your core. No matter how many perfect and wonderful babies come before or after, the lost one always breaks your heart. There is no getting over it, but there is a ripening of the hurt kind of like the changing of seasons. And there’s beauty even in the bitterness–even if it’s just that the ache of that loss brings your blessings into sharper focus. I know I hold my two dear girls close in a way I couldn’t had I not suffered the loss of my middle girl. God does bless us in funny ways. And he gives us friends and strangers that truly know.

  6. Christa says:

    I am so glad you left that comment on my post so that I could find you, Alana. I have been pregnant five times, and have one daughter. As the years go by, I gain perspective, and gratitude fro what life has brought to me, but the losses? They will always be part of the whole.

    Love to you.

  7. I am sorry to hear about your loss. I also lost a child and wrote a book. I found a shared grief is a lesser grief. I wish to share that with you: http://www.returntothewater.com

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