Tag Archives: tears

11 months

Yesterday was 11 months from the date of Ben’s death. Most of the day felt like any other in this new life. I had a moment in the morning where I looked at the clock on the microwave and flashed … Continue reading

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Tears to joy

Last night I went back to the birthing center that is both the home of the amazing midwife who was a wonderful support to us, and the weekly Pregnancy Circle that I was attending before Ben died. It was for … Continue reading

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Memory

Memories are held in the body. My visits to the magician remind me that this is true. Memories are held in smells, in touch, in the things we see and taste. Memories are held in bottles and jars, rooms and … Continue reading

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Storm

Like yesterday’s storm, grief rolled in this afternoon, surprising me with its sudden fierceness. Just as quickly, it was gone, the skies cleared, the sun shone. The wind has picked up now and the moon is full. I am being … Continue reading

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The return of fear

The fear is back. It’s manifesting differently but after six splinters, two scraped knees, complaints of tummy pain and a huge fall all in the last five days, I’m terrified that a) my fear caused all of this and b) … Continue reading

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Another baby boy

I heard this morning that my friend had the VBAC she wanted and delivered a beautiful healthy baby boy – her second. When I got the text, I felt only great joy for her. The grief hit me later, after … Continue reading

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When will we die?

Mama, when did baby Benjamin die? He died July 29, so almost three months ago. Mama, when will we die? We don’t know sweetheart. Hopefully we will all live long, happy lives. Long – for a 3 year old – … Continue reading

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There is no guarantee

I am a mess today. I haven’t been sleeping well. I am struggling to fall asleep, to stay asleep – I keep waking to make sure Ada is breathing – and my dreams have been terrifying. They are either action … Continue reading

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I wonder

Steve said to me once, after a particularly wrenching cry, It seems as though, sometimes, you are mourning more than Benjamin’s death. I think he might be right. There are times when the sadness overwhelms, and my body leaps and … Continue reading

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32 weeks and 1 day

As I debated whether or not to turn on the light in the bathroom in the middle of the night, it  hit me with absolute certainty that I can never be pregnant again. To spend 9 months, or 6 weeks, … Continue reading

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