Tag Archives: Loss

11 months

Yesterday was 11 months from the date of Ben’s death. Most of the day felt like any other in this new life. I had a moment in the morning where I looked at the clock on the microwave and flashed … Continue reading

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Thoughts from the shower

I am exhausted. I am finally taking everything I’ve been and done in my life, and tying it into one cohesive whole. I am moving toward a future that involves me contributing to the world in a bigger way. I … Continue reading

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I remember

Last weekend a few wonderful writers (Lindsey, Denise & Lisa to name three) whose blogs I love attended a magical retreat on memoir writing by the oh-so-talented Dani Shapiro. One of the exercises they were given, inspired by Joe Brainerd’s … Continue reading

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Little gifts

Yesterday morning Ada woke up and with delight in her eyes, wished us a happy Easter. Then she paused. I’m going to wish Happy Easter to our angel. Do you want to wish Happy Easter to our angel? Steve and … Continue reading

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Words from the future

When I was entering my second trimester with Ben, at the tail end of a month of bleeding, I sat with a colleague of my husband’s who, a decade previously, had lost two babies at 5 months gestation. Two. A … Continue reading

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Mother’s Day for the baby lost

The fact that Mother’s Day is coming hadn’t yet crossed my mind. I was three months pregnant last year in the middle of May, fresh from a trip to the Emergency Room in Berkeley, reassured at least somewhat that my … Continue reading

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8 months

Last night I found myself putting Ada to sleep in the same bed we were in the night my pregnancy ended. As I lay there, images of that night washing over and through me, I realized it was March 29. … Continue reading

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Early Days

The grief is pouring out of me like early days. I don’t sleep well. I wake up tired, spent. I am unhappy, uncomfortable, as though I am the princess and there is a pea hidden under my skin. My patience … Continue reading

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Legoland

We spent yesterday and today at Legoland. On the drive down, I kept flashing back to our first visit, at the tail end of my four weeks of first trimester bleeding. Steve had work in San Diego so Ada and … Continue reading

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Love letter

Dearest Ben, Today marks six months from the moment you were taken out of my body, completely still, your heart no longer beating alongside mine. I am halfway through the first year without you. I am not sure how to … Continue reading

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