Undressing

I am undressing. Peeling layer after layer away. The protection of extra weight. The comfort of not-quite-addictions. The sweat soaked second skin of fear. I am taking them off publicly and privately, baring my soul in the process. I am watching my body change in the full-length mirror, watching my judgments of it lessen as the love grows.

I was looking through old photos the other day. Pictures of me from what feels like another life. I am almost unrecognizable to myself both then and now. The inner has yet to match the outer, total alignment just out of my grasp. In the pictures of me then I am thin, fit, smiling and yet I know underneath lay a sadness, a sense of failure and disappointment that kept me from myself.  I search for the pain but there is no trace. I wore a mask well. I am undressing in order to reach that place where the smile in the photo pulls you into my soul instead of keeping you at arm’s length. I am moving toward a body that is older, wiser, and infinitely stronger, a heart that is full of compassion, love and a willingness to let people be themselves, and a spirit that drinks thirstily of connection without getting lost in the other.

I want my body to be loved in spite of its age, its imperfections, its scars. I want to be seen for who I am, not who I think you want me to be. I am undressing. Peeling away the layers of habit, conditioning, and lies I was told.  I want to live fully in trust, to live powerfully, to know that I exist without the extras. There are moments when I am shy, but until I stand completely naked with myself, I will continue to undress.

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9 Responses to Undressing

  1. Christa says:

    This, my friend, is just stunning. And, as always, so very, very true. Quite a direct hit, and very much what is in my heart right now.

    Wow.

    Huge love to you, in whatever form you are in today.

  2. Lindsey says:

    Wow. Just so powerful. Thank you. xox

  3. Garrett says:

    Good for you, Alana. Moving and real. Self-acceptance and action. Thank you.

  4. Tiffany says:

    I love this so much and it spoke directly to my heart! Thank you once again for your courageous vulnerability- you inspire me.

  5. Roos says:

    Wow. You rock!
    And can’t wait to see you naked ;-P

  6. This is a beautiful piece. Superb and eloquent writing.

  7. Stereo says:

    I’m with Lindsey; so utterly powerful. You go, Alana! ♥

  8. Melanie says:

    I cried when I read this. Thank you for writing this; for making me see, making me feel, making me cry.

  9. Hi Alana, stunning piece of writing. I especially loved, ‘I want to be seen for who I am, not who I think you want me to be’. I guess you mean who you are on the inside, as nature intended? Love it. take care, Stephen

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