Love letter

Dearest Ben,

Today marks six months from the moment you were taken out of my body, completely still, your heart no longer beating alongside mine. I am halfway through the first year without you. I am not sure how to feel today. I miss you desperately and yet I am growing accustomed to this new reality. The one where there is no you.

I wonder about missing  you, about the strength of the hurt. I wonder how long I will remember the fragility of your skin and the way it felt like I might rip you apart with the lightest touch. I wonder how clearly I will recall the image of your tiny naked body as time marches on. Already the memory of your feathery weight on my chest is fading. One pound, one ounce. But you felt solid too, in your little yellow and blue blanket. I held you and counted your ten fingers, your ten toes. I marveled at your unfinished perfection, your stillness and the fact that you had your Mamaw’s nose. I watched your daddy hold you. My heart cracked open with a mother’s love.

I still cry Benjamin. Sometimes softly, tears barely spilling over. Sometimes with great racking sobs. We love you very much and – oh god – wish you were here with us. But you know that – I know you do. We don’t get the gift of your smile, your laugh, your boy-ness as  you learn to crawl, walk, dance, kick a soccer ball. We don’t get to watch you explore the world, hear your voice, learn who you are. The gifts you left us with are of a different sort, based in faith, belief, love and the world of spirit. With your death, you’ve asked us to live our best lives. We are doing our best to answer that call.

Watch over your big sister, my sweet son. She wanted a little brother. She wants a mama and daddy who aren’t sad anymore. It’s been hard on all of us.

But I wouldn’t change it. I wouldn’t take the experience of you away. Not for a second.

I love you Ben. I always will. Wherever you are, my son, take good care.

with fierce love and a healing heart,

Mama.

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10 Responses to Love letter

  1. Jeanie says:

    *sends love, tears, and peace*

    I have a friend who is suffering in much the same way..I shared this with her.

    Her name is Lindsey, and here is her story: http://networkedblogs.com/dCwVV

  2. Pingback: Tweets that mention Love letter | Life After Benjamin -- Topsy.com

  3. Roos says:

    6 months… my heart aches for you.

    I see my two boys running around and experience daily the power of their love for each other. Whatever will happen here, each of them has a brother by his side. I wish Ada had such a ‘partner in crime’ too. For now, a big X for your little girl!

  4. Christa says:

    Love to you, and hope…

  5. Stereo says:

    My heart breaks a hundred times over for you and your family. We love you, Alana. And you, Benjamin.

  6. kelly says:

    Oh, Alana. I send to you a warm hug. And I see you healing, in tiny little steps along the way. He will always be there, in your heart.

  7. Kim says:

    That fierce love and healing heart. Oh, Alana. Big hugs to you from far away.

  8. Lisa Mullins says:

    This brought tears to my eyes, Alana. I believe that the reason we come to this planet is to grow in love and wisdom. My, how you are going through your relationship with little Ben! He has gifted you in so many ways!

    Love,

    Aunt Lisa

  9. Cynthia says:

    Love, love and more love…

  10. Jennifer says:

    I came across your blog last week afterI had a 17 week miscarriage due to PPROM and delivered a sleeping baby boy. I have a four year old daughter who also wanted a little brother. Your blog has touched me and brought tears to my eyes. My heart is heavy and hurts and I find comfort in your writings as I can relate.

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