5 months

Reverb10. December 29.

Defining moment. Describe a defining moment or series of events that has affected your life this year. (from Kathryn Fitzmaurice, author of The Year the Swallows Came Early)

5 months ago today, Benjamin was born still.


My son.

Whose very conception involved

divine intervention –

Exhausted husband

Broken-legged wife

Inviting a second child despite

the questions lingering in our hearts.

Then tests of faith,

Jaw-dropping miracles,

Messages from angels through

different mediums,

Bringing me closer to

hearing them myself.

The heaviness of shock

as red dripped – no – poured, again.

A picture of him dancing

on a grainy screen.

Two months of freedom,

Knowing care must be taken,

Then the ache of fresh blood.

The final three weeks.

Phone calls in the night.

Husband catching planes

in fear and shock.

Daughter waking up to different

faces,

Crying only the last time.

The time we all cried –

for him,

for ourselves.

The hemorrhage, the letting go

A light touch on my shoulder,

The warmth of strangers’ gazes,

I’m so sorry

so sorry

so sorry

for your loss.


He is not lost. He is in my arms.

1 lb, 1 oz

Tiny perfect fingers

Tiny perfect toes

His grandmother’s nose.

He is not lost.

He is in my tears,

in my growth,

in my husband’s eyes,

my daughter’s touch.

He is not lost. He is our son.

Forever.

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18 Responses to 5 months

  1. And with my other hand which is not over my heart, I take yours and hold tight.

  2. well, sugar, i needed a good cry today. he is not lost. no, no, he is not. he will never be lost, you will continue to make sure of that through your tributes of words and deeds. i am hugging you from here today, and i am squeezing tight.

  3. Roos says:

    “Tiny perfect fingers, tiny perfect toes”: the perfect image you will never ever forget.
    Thinking of you!

  4. Liz says:

    Sending you love for I have no words but an immense love for you and your family

  5. Mari Huertas says:

    Truly, I have no words; only compassion. I send that. And warm wishes for you and your family.

  6. Steve Sheeren says:

    Profoundly moving, my love. I continue to be amazed by your grace, insight and fullness of heart.
    Thank you.

  7. Alana,
    Benjamin is also not lost because he is here, in this post, and in the emotions each of your readers feels for you: love, compassion, sadness, admiration, and love again.
    Angela

  8. amanda says:

    How could he be lost, which such a wonderful mama as you? Love to you today.

  9. Debra says:

    So moving.
    No. He is not lost.
    He was here. He’s in your heart. And that tiny little boy is with us now as well.
    Thank you for sharing Benjamin.

  10. Bob D. says:

    *Heart swelling. Sending you all the best.*

  11. Dorcie says:

    Beautifuly written. Thank you. And now his is in my tears also.

  12. Julie Daley says:

    Alana,
    I have no words. You’ve poured them all out onto the page.
    I am sitting here, swimming in the Grace that pours forth from your soul.
    Benjamin is here. He shines through your words and your ability to deeply touch the hearts of each friend who reads them.
    All I can offer you is my love and that is everything.
    Namaste, dear friend.
    Namaste.

  13. Jude says:

    Thank you. Brimming Stillness here, too, breathing in your gift.

  14. Dasi says:

    Thank you. I lost a son, my only child, during the middle of my second trimester, also.
    I still have no words. Bless you for sharing yours.

  15. Stereo says:

    Love. so much love. Please know that this is what I’m sending to you and yours, Alana. You are such a brave and beautiful soul.

  16. Gina says:

    I happened across this today as I am approaching the 2 year anniversary of the loss of my baby girl. It brought it right back.

  17. georgia says:

    though sad, this is very beautiful.
    i just came upon it, and at almost four months pregnant,
    my heart aches for you… though you are a stranger.

    i wish you healing in the new year to come.
    you write beautifully about such a painful subject.

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