Whispers in the dark

Once upon a time I was a very calm mama when my daughter was sick. Then a procedure-happy pediatrician planted a seed of fear in the back of my brain and my baby died. The one-two punch shook me off my instincts. I remind myself that I am not crazy for needing to rest my hand on my daughter’s soft belly, the gentle rise and fall of her breath reassuring me that she is here, alive, sweetly asleep.

Last night I went to bed and burst into tears, whispering into the darkness, “I haven’t done anything wrong.”

Why do I feel like I’m being punished?

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2 Responses to Whispers in the dark

  1. a punch like that, i don’t care what the numbers are, well, of course it knocked you off your instincts. you are so right: you have not done anything wrong. your confidence will return – it may not be as fast as you’d like, and it may play peek-a-boo with you for at least a while, but it will come back. it will. it will. say it with me: it will.

    this is one of those times i wish i was close enough to cradle you in my arms, lay your head on my shoulder, and sing you a lullaby. and that’s precisely what i’m doing, virtual style. love.

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