The return of fear

The fear is back. It’s manifesting differently but after six splinters, two scraped knees, complaints of tummy pain and a huge fall all in the last five days, I’m terrified that a) my fear caused all of this and b) something horrible will happen to Ada and it will be all my fault. My fear will have called it into being.

Two steps forward. One step back.

That internal space I was raving about earlier in the week? Gone. Replaced by complete overwhelm and massive amounts of tears.

We are moving in 8 or 9 days and I can’t get anything packed because Ada won’t leave my side and doesn’t want me to leave hers – even if it’s to sit 3 feet away and sort books. She needs to be on top of me, in my lap, clinging to my clothes. I understand her life feels unsteady and I am her medicine, her anchor, her life raft. Then fear freaks me out again with whispers of something else being wrong, something I don’t know yet, something she can’t tell me any other way.

It’s crazy. I feel crazy. Fear can make you crazy.

Then there was the woman in the doctor’s office yesterday with her infant son. He couldn’t have been more than 3 months old and her belly was flatter than mine before I got pregnant. I had to numb myself to his eager nursing sounds until later, when I collapsed, sobbing on to the bathroom sink and couldn’t look at myself in the mirror.

When will I stop looking pregnant?

When will this stop hurting so much?

When will life feel normal for more than a moment?

When do I get that damned guarantee?

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3 Responses to The return of fear

  1. Roos says:

    So cry.
    And cry.
    And pack those boxes crying. There’s nothing wrong with that.
    Let it hurt. Because you lost something so incredibly dear.

    love, Roos
    p.s. Can’t find any wise words on the guarantee though… all I can do is think of you, and I do.

  2. 4ceiba says:

    I read your words,
    I hear your fear
    I feel the struggle
    Believe in LOVE,
    The Love she is pouring into you
    as she sits on your lap when the boxes need packing.
    LOVE, everything else will be
    focus on the love that flows outward
    inward
    around
    I used to imagine exhaling the fear and breathing in the Love.
    Sometimes it worked..
    ~soft smile~

  3. Oh Sugar, you’re not going crazy, though who could blame you if you did? I mean, if anybody has earned a ticket to crazy, it’s you. My goodness, all the humongous emotions and life situations you’re dealing with. I know many gals who’ve snapped just from moving alone. I wish there was just one thing I could take off your shoulders and deal with for you.

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