I am practicing letting go.
I am letting go of old habits and patterns, belief systems, body weight, attachment to outcomes, clothing, books, stuff. Grief has made me less tolerant of what feels bad, of what is unwanted, of what I hide behind.
I want to live in clear, clean spaces. I want my clothes to look and feel good. I want my body to feel strong and healthy. I want to love deep and wide and still be at peace with what life brings. I want to accept all of myself – the graceful bits, the angry parts, the messiness and imperfections. In order to do these things, I need to get more comfortable with letting go.
This could take me a lifetime.
Yesterday I visited our storage unit to remind myself what was there. When we sold our house, we gave away as much as we could and still ended up with a 10′ by 10′ locker. When we move next month, we will be letting that go and I wanted to see how much work needs to be done.
The box of hand-me-down baby boy clothes will go. So will the rest of the baby paraphernalia, save for a few of my favorites of Ada’s clothes. I’m selling my wedding dress. Someone else needs it more than I do.
I am letting go of my need to have another child in my life. In my heart I hold a vision of many children running through our home. I don’t know who they are. I don’t know if they’re mine – as much as any child could be mine – or if they’re simply children I love and welcome into my house and heart temporarily. I don’t know if we’ll adopt, or if we do, how old the child will be. I am grieving, while trusting that the answers will reveal themselves when the time is right. I am letting go.
There is a new tag line at the top of this blog. It used to read Surviving Pregnancy Loss. When Ben first died, I thought that’s all I could be expected to do. I quickly realized there was so much more to this process – to me – to the gift of his life. I am growing and changing so fast it’s hard for me to keep up. I am giving myself more permission to be authentic than I have in 15 years. I am honoring my creativity, my spirituality, my passion, my confusion. I am waking up.
This blog is about so much more than pregnancy loss. It’s about grief, yes. It’s also about life, connection, and joy. I might change it again, but for now, Awakening Through Grief feels true.