I want

I am exhausted. My heart feels shattered into a million glittering pieces. I want my husband to come home, my kitchen to clean itself, my body to feel a thousand times better NOW, not six months from now. I want time by myself to write, sleep, walk, create, cry. I want time with my daughter where I am fully present and engaged in her play. I want to watch a movie, read a book, have an easy conversation with a friend. I want to be moved in to our new house with more space and less stuff.

I want…

Today I spent an hour (more, actually) on the phone with the incredible Julie Daley. She inspires me, educates me, and challenges me to think differently with her words, and the gift of her help with my awakening through grieving has been immeasurable. At the end of the call, she gave me homework. I am to decide on my actions for the rest of the week by listening to my heart say “I don’t want to…” or “I want to…”.

This is hard for me to do. There is a should sitting on my shoulder, whispering in my ear, when I am tempted to melt into want. Right now, it’s nagging about the dishes, the floor that needs sweeping, the toys that need to be put away. It’s telling me I need to go to sleep, oh and remember to take those supplements the chiropractor said I needed and, and, and…

There’s so much noise it’s hard for me to hear I want to.

Deep breath.

Let the thoughts go. Listen to the knowing.

Take the next step. Melt into want.

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One Response to I want

  1. Jessica says:

    Alana I understand this post SO much. I have things that I want to do but then I have the things I need to do. OF COURSE I have no ambition to do the things I need to do UGH! I need to listen to what I want to do more too! Great post. Glad she got you to think about not forgetting yourself! (((hugs)))

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