4 weeks

Sitting in front of the computer feeling grief on my heart like it’s a physical presence, making it hard to breathe. Today is 4 weeks.

*****

Tears are streaming down my face. Ada turns from her book to look at me.

My brother lives in our hearts mama.

Yes sweetheart he does.

Your heart too mama.

Yes. My heart too.

*****

I almost collapsed in the tea aisle at Lassen’s today. Mother’s Milk Tea, Pregnancy Tea, Morning Wellness Tea, Raspberry Leaf Tea – they were all I could see.

*****

Periodically since Ben’s death, Ada has picked up one of our books about pregnancy “Mama, What’s In There?”. She reads it and lifts the flaps, looking at the babies in their mamas’ tummies. Today I found her quietly and methodically licking her finger and rubbing it on the flaps. She was trying to “tape them closed”.

*****

Another friend is pregnant. I knew they were trying and the last time I saw her I had a feeling there would be news soon. Call it mama-spidey-sense. I wonder if I will ever hear someone’s joyful “we made it to 14 weeks” news again without thinking of the thousands of babies who made it through the first trimester but not the second, or the third, or the first day, or week, or month of life. Before Benjamin died I had no idea. No idea. The world looks different to me now.

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3 Responses to 4 weeks

  1. Britt says:

    Crying with you tonight! Just wanted you to know I am thinking about you and praying for you, sweet friend. I remember 4 weeks and the rawness of the pain. A dear friend told me (and I believe it’s true) It doesn’t get easier, but it does get more bearable. We are almost 6 months out (next week) and I can’t tell you that it’s easier, but most days it is more bearable! I am so sorry for your hearbrake.

  2. Angela says:

    The 4 week mark was very hard for me. It seems like that’s when I switched from shock to the knowledge that my daughter really was dead and there was no way to bring her back. As Britt said, it does become more bearable. I’m 3 1/2 months out now and I don’t cry every single day. But, if you reach the 3 1/2 month mark and still cry every single day, that’s okay. We all grieve differently. Thinking of you tonight.

  3. Melissa says:

    Those early weeks are very hard. =( Our daughter was born 11 weeks ago now, and it does get easier as far as the intensity of the sadness but I think of her every day.

    I agree, pregnancy just looks different now. I can’t even look at other people’s pregnancies the same anymore…Once you know it can happen, and happen to you, it makes you realize how fragile and precious each pregnancy really is.

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