I wonder

I’ve been wondering about a few things. I try not to. I can’t go back and change what happened. I can’t bring Benjamin back. So I work to stay in a place of trust that I did all I could. It’s certainly what the doctor believed.

And still…

What if I’d had Reiki three times a week instead of just once? The bleeding always seemed to stop afterward. Could I have made it to week 25? or 27? or 30?

What if I’d taken better care of myself? Had more baths, meditated twice a day, written as much as I wanted to? Would it have helped get rid of the chronic stress that I’ve been told is part of my body’s problem?

I stopped in to see my acupuncturist on Monday to schedule an appointment. She helped me with my miscarriage in January. I thought about seeing her during the pregnancy but I didn’t want anything to blame. I didn’t want to say in even a tiny little piece of my heart “it was the acupuncture that did it”. When I told her the news she said “oh, I wish you’d kept coming”. Which I heard as “maybe we could have saved your baby”. Then today I read an article on getting pregnant and both women used acupuncture and Chinese herbs to overcome huge difficulties and give birth to their children. I felt sick to my stomach afterward. Did my fear of acupuncture hurting keep me from something that might have helped?

These are not trains of thought I want to ride for long. They are painful and pointless. Still I can’t help but wonder, for a moment or two, what if…? Would anything be different? Was this really what was supposed to happen? If I don’t get my s**t together and start taking baths and meditating and getting regular acupuncture and chiropractic treatments and chanting and clearing my clutter and living my purpose is there just more pain and loss ahead?

For split seconds I think “What did I do wrong?” and my heart breaks.

Then I cry, breathe, pick myself up and move forward. I got a second chance with my marriage. I don’t get a do-over on this one.

But every now and then, I wonder.

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4 Responses to I wonder

  1. Dian Reid says:

    Have you read “An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination”? It’s Elizabeth McCracken’s journey through her experience with her stillborn son and then her own “do over”. I’ve never been through what you have, and can’t begin to know your pain. And still, I feel so deeply for the woman you are now and evolving into. I think part of growth is finding the space to contemplate what’s next….

    Love & Light to you, my dear.

  2. Britt says:

    Man, I could have written this! The wonder and the questions can drive you absolutely crazy! I am so sorry for your loss and for the remaining questions!

  3. Angela says:

    Saw your story on Faces of Loss and wanted to come over and say hi. It’s so easy to wonder why, to wonder if you could’ve forced a different outcome if only … You were a good Mama to your baby. You did the best you could and provided him with all the love and care you possess.

    I’m sorry for your loss and sorry sweet Benjamin isn’t here with you. I don’t know if you’ve found it yet, but Glow in the Woods has been a lifeline for me. It’s been 3 months since my baby, Charlotte, died soon after birth. There are so many of us here with you and we want to provide you with as much support as you need.

  4. lisa says:

    when i wrote about this same sentiment, i likened it to a blame list where the supposed causes were in constant motion. some days it was this, other days it was that. and so on and so forth. even last night i found a new cause. i don’t think it will end but it becomes less as time goes on.

    i told my doctor last week that its so hard because there are so many little pieces but nobody seems to be able to put the whole puzzle together. he said that is so common, its rare to have a clear cut reason. even that didn’t make me feel too much better. i think we just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. somedays thats all we can do.
    xoxo
    lis

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