Monthly Archives: August 2010

Waves

I am beginning to recognize the waves more quickly. Instead of struggling at their onslaught, this morning I surrendered. I sat down, bowed my head and let them wash over me. I felt my body shake with sobs, my breath … Continue reading

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Miracles. Maybe.

The note on my calendar yesterday said You Create Miracles. My first reaction was to dismiss this¬† – dismiss myself – with a shake of the head and a wry smile. Then I stopped. Yes. Yes, I do create miracles. … Continue reading

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One Month

Benjamin died a month ago today. I am not ready to be bleeding again, but I am. Last night as I was getting ready for bed, I found myself staring at another toilet bowl full of blood. My post-partum bleeding … Continue reading

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An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination

I’ve been reading Elizabeth McCracken‘s book about her first child, her son, who was stillborn. There is so much that rings true although our situations, our experiences, our points of view in many cases are different. I read the following … Continue reading

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Falling Apart

Today Ada and I made cupcakes for my dad’s birthday. I cleared piles of paper off the desk while she watched Sesame Street on the computer. It all feels too normal. It seems too soon to feel this way, to … Continue reading

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4 weeks

Sitting in front of the computer feeling grief on my heart like it’s a physical presence, making it hard to breathe. Today is 4 weeks. ***** Tears are streaming down my face. Ada turns from her book to look at … Continue reading

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An Open Letter to My Family and Friends

A few days ago, I got an honest and heart-full email from a pregnant friend telling me she just didn’t know what to do. Was she supposed to let me know they’d hired the woman I’d recommended as their doula? … Continue reading

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Nothing

I went out tonight, without my husband, without my child. I went out tonight with the friend who has known me the longest. I can’t remember the last time we had a conversation that wasn’t interrupted by children. We drank … Continue reading

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Gifts of Comfort

I am sitting, cup of tea nearby, wrapped in the beautiful shawl that arrived in the mail today. It came from a friend I hadn’t heard from yet. A friend whose first pregnancy ended in the second trimester after a … Continue reading

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Reality

I have this fantasy. In it, I spend three days in bed. I get to sleep, cry, read, write, draw, listen to music, sleep more, cry again, pull medicine cards and power cards and angel cards, meditate and generally act … Continue reading

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