Monthly Archives: August 2010

Waves

Posted on August 31, 2010 by

I am beginning to recognize the waves more quickly. Instead of struggling at their onslaught, this morning I surrendered. I sat down, bowed my head and let them wash over me. I felt my body shake with sobs, my breath … Continue reading →

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments

Miracles. Maybe.

Posted on August 30, 2010 by

The note on my calendar yesterday said You Create Miracles. My first reaction was to dismiss this  – dismiss myself – with a shake of the head and a wry smile. Then I stopped. Yes. Yes, I do create miracles. … Continue reading →

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

One Month

Posted on August 29, 2010 by

Benjamin died a month ago today. I am not ready to be bleeding again, but I am. Last night as I was getting ready for bed, I found myself staring at another toilet bowl full of blood. My post-partum bleeding … Continue reading →

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , | 3 Comments

An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination

Posted on August 28, 2010 by

I’ve been reading Elizabeth McCracken‘s book about her first child, her son, who was stillborn. There is so much that rings true although our situations, our experiences, our points of view in many cases are different. I read the following … Continue reading →

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , | 2 Comments

Falling Apart

Posted on August 27, 2010 by

Today Ada and I made cupcakes for my dad’s birthday. I cleared piles of paper off the desk while she watched Sesame Street on the computer. It all feels too normal. It seems too soon to feel this way, to … Continue reading →

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

4 weeks

Posted on August 26, 2010 by

Sitting in front of the computer feeling grief on my heart like it’s a physical presence, making it hard to breathe. Today is 4 weeks. ***** Tears are streaming down my face. Ada turns from her book to look at … Continue reading →

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , | 3 Comments

An Open Letter to My Family and Friends

Posted on August 25, 2010 by

A few days ago, I got an honest and heart-full email from a pregnant friend telling me she just didn’t know what to do. Was she supposed to let me know they’d hired the woman I’d recommended as their doula? … Continue reading →

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Nothing

Posted on August 24, 2010 by

I went out tonight, without my husband, without my child. I went out tonight with the friend who has known me the longest. I can’t remember the last time we had a conversation that wasn’t interrupted by children. We drank … Continue reading →

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Gifts of Comfort

Posted on August 23, 2010 by

I am sitting, cup of tea nearby, wrapped in the beautiful shawl that arrived in the mail today. It came from a friend I hadn’t heard from yet. A friend whose first pregnancy ended in the second trimester after a … Continue reading →

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | 2 Comments

Reality

Posted on August 22, 2010 by

I have this fantasy. In it, I spend three days in bed. I get to sleep, cry, read, write, draw, listen to music, sleep more, cry again, pull medicine cards and power cards and angel cards, meditate and generally act … Continue reading →

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , | 2 Comments